If you watched my VERY FIRST YOUTUBE VIDEO, then you now know that my husband and I are expecting our first child. I know… you were expecting exclamation points and fireworks and pink or blue emojis, but alas..
This experience has been a wild ride to say the least. My first 4 and a half (almost 5) months consisted of nothing but consistent nausea, exhaustion, and unbelievable food aversion. Not only did I lose weight, I lost all desire to do anything. I wish there was a way to collect your tears and preserve them because I could probably put out whole forest fires with what I’d have.
Now, as I sit at almost 6 months pregnant, I feel a little better physically (most days), but the desire to do anything is still lost on me. I’ve been on a journey to be honest about my feelings and not shy away from them, and the fact of the matter is, I’m sad. I’m sad about the way my body is changing, the way my life is changing, I’m even sad about how sad I am. It’s a mess! I feel selfish for having these feelings, especially given what a lot of people go through just to conceive. But I also recognize that my feelings are mine to have and considering other’s experiences doesn’t negate mine.
I’m going to record another video about this in the next few days. I recognize that I can’t be the only one feeling this way, but the only reason we feel that we are is because we don’t see anyone talking about it. Recently I’ve been hearing confirmation that we are encouraged to tell our stories in the hopes that they will help someone else know that they are not alone. God doesn’t allow us to go through trials for nothing. Sometimes all someone needs to see is that if you could make it through then so can they. My adult life has taught me how true it is that God is not intimidated by our questions. What He wants is our faith that He has it under control.
I can’t tell you that I’m on the other side of these feelings. I still carry a lot of anxiety, fear, and general sadness, but what I’ve decided is that I’m not going to be silent about it. Pregnancy is a beautiful process and something I am grateful that God saw fit for me to experience, but for me it’s been hard and not very enjoyable. There’s no shame in that, and I don’t want you to carry any either. Just know that I am praying for you and I am confident that we aren’t going though all of this for nothing.
Let me know what your experience has been like!